Hong Ut PHAN & van phan Hong Ut Phan, 33, was 10 years old when her family fled Vietnam on a leaky boat. They spent three months on an oil rig, then three years in a Thai refugee camp. Her father, Van, 60, once a wealthy businessman, ironed shirts to put his four children through university.Hong: We tried to escape Vietnam three or four times. The last time there were too many people in the boat and we almost sank. We had to continuously scoop out the water and we
had really big storms every day. There were 23 people and everyone got seasick. My youngest brother was only two or three. My father told
us we would have more freedom in Australia.
I really didn't know what that meant, but I knew he wanted the best for us.
In Vietnam my father was a successful businessman. He had people to carry his bags for him and he was used to people respecting him. When he came to Australia, he ironed clothes and got five or 10 cents a shirt. That is a lot of sacrifice.
My parents worked long hours, so we kids looked after each other. After school I cooked. In the beginning I cooked a lot of salt fish because I didn't know how to do seasoning. I used a lot of salt. Dad wasn't critical of me; instead, he took me out to eat so I could learn the flavours and develop my palate. I learned to cook that way.
I didn't go out a lot when I was young. Dad was very strict. He said, "If you are not studying, you can go out and work. If you study, I support you. If you want a better life, you study." He moved us from Cabramatta to Parramatta [in western Sydney] and put us into girls' and boys' schools. The rents in Parramatta were huge,
but he was willing to pay a lot of money so we could be more focused.
My dad is a very determined person. When he wants something, he will always get it. I lack determination compared to him. I like cruising around. I will get there, but I have to go around and have fun and come back. We think differently. Sometimes I can't see his point and I always question things.
I studied hard because I had to. If I didn't go to uni, if I didn't get a degree, then all that effort [to come to Australia] would have been wasted. I knew he wanted the best for me and so I tried my best, too. He made some sacrifices; I made some sacrifices, too.
I studied industrial chemistry, then medical science. I wanted to be a doctor but I get too involved in the patients' cases. I'm looking for work in medical research. I'm very busy with other things, too. I study floristry and I'm doing a Certificate III in hospitality. I love studying. If I'm not studying, I feel bored.
In 2006, I was having trouble remembering things. A friend recommended I try Vipassana meditation. I came home and told Dad to try it. I'd say he's about 70 per cent changed. He's much more flexible, and my two brothers, my sister and my mum, we all meditate now. My dream was to have a lot of money and a big house. I wanted the best of everything, because that's what we came for. After I did Vipassana, I realised that's not what we want really.
We want to be simple and happy, that's it.
Van: I did my first meditation course in 2006 and I've done 13 10-day retreats since
then. Everything is lighter. All the anger, all the craving, all the wants, all the needs, all the temper has been reduced, reduced, reduced. Things I used to care so much about, they're no longer important to me.
What Hong did by introducing me to Vipassana is the greatest gift. I used to have
very high expectations of my children. I wanted them to be successful in business, to contribute to the community, to make a name for themselves so I could be proud of them. Now I say to them, "Don't work so hard, make sure you have time for Vipassana." I want them to focus on meditation so they can give back to those people who are miserable.
Back then, I was miserable but I didn't realise it. When Hong didn't meet my expectations or did the wrong thing, I could give her a lot of grief and at the same time it gave me a lot of grief. I thought I was Mr Boss. She had to live
by my rules. Now it doesn't matter.
In the first few years [in Australia], I put a lot of responsibility on Hong. Her main responsibility was cooking. She also had to keep an eye on the boys. She worked very hard between school and the household.
Hong is a great cook. She has a natural talent. She could go to a restaurant and eat something, then go home and create something of similar or equal quality. Even though I was away from my country, my daughter created dishes that warmed me and made me smile on the inside.
I missed my country less because of those dishes.
When my children were growing up, my main focus was on Hong. She is very smart
and she is the oldest and so there was a lot of hope and expectation placed on her. All my focus was on her. Whatever she wanted, I would give it to her. If she wanted money for tutors or for education, I gave it to her. I had big dreams for her.
She is always chasing something new. She has a couple of degrees and once she finishes something, she goes for something else. I used to feel that she had wasted a lot of time chasing one thing, then letting go, and chasing something else. I was disappointed that she did not have a strong direction. Now I realise that is who she is. No matter how negative I am I can never change it. So I just let her be.
She has a good heart and a good personality. She can get upset quite easily but then she can forget easily, too. I felt a loss when Hong left home. I love her more when she is not around.
Not many people want to flee their own country willingly. They leave because they have so many difficulties that they have to flee. When we came to Australia, we had nothing. I worked 10 hours a day on average. Sometimes I worked until midnight. It was part of my responsibility and my love for my children. I wanted to work hard so they had everything they needed for their life here.
My only wish for Hong now is that she will keep meditating. All I want is for her to be happy. GUTTER CREDIT PLEASE: VAN'S INTERVIEW INTERPRETED BY THI UT PHAN
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